When I first started this blog, I thought about writing a post every day. I’m ever so glad and thankful that I chose not to go that route. Aside from feeling like I’d be behind the 8-ball every day chasing a clock to get a post out, it sounded tedious to me to have to come up with something every single day that was new. I also felt like a daily dose of cancer and chemo and all that goes with cancer treatment would just be overwhelming. Both for me and for you. And that part was right.
Cancer is and can be overwhelming. The trick is not to let it take over. There’s already so much of it that’s out of your control that sometimes it’s tempting to fall into the hole where everything sucks because, y’know… CANCER.
Fortunately, it’s not really like that. Sure, there are good days, bad days and in between days. I don’t think it matters that much which chemo drugs you’re on. The ratio of good to bad days changes some. In my experience, it shakes out to be mostly in between.
So… had I decided to chronicle this all daily, I think you’d be bored to tears by now. It would be a lot of had chemo, was tired, took a nap, had night sweats, tried 10 things to counteract that, had this or that side effect, discovered I could or couldn’t eat or drink a thing so added that to my list for a separate post, and the weather was rainy/cloudy/sunny and I was or wasn’t able to get anything done today. Yawn.
For the most part, I’m okay. There are good and bad and in between days. There are things I can’t do and I need to get someone to help me. The cancer part is temporary. The treatments and their side effects are mostly temporary. When I run up against something that is going to be long lasting and it’s going to be a problem, I let myself be angry about it. I let myself feel the fear of whatever that means for me long term. And I’ve let you live my stream of conscious on these things.
In the meantime, there are other things on my mind. There are things I need to do while I’m “stuck” at home, and I know they’re not horribly exciting or interesting, but they’re things I need to deal with sooner than later. I just realized I haven’t done a post yet on end of life planning. Another one of those fun things cancer throws your way.
I’ll still post things about the changes from chemo. As I get closer to the radiation, you’ll get my anxiety head on. Then you’ll hear how thrilled I am to be going back on chemo. And eventually, you’ll share my joy at being done with this year of hell. Right now, I’m 4 months into this journey. Not quite the halfway point. I’ll try not to make you suffer too much with the filler stuff while you’re waiting to hear good news.