I’m not usually an emotionally demonstrative person. Well, maybe not publicly.
One of the effects of having my life turned upside down with a cancer diagnosis is discovering that many of my feelings are hanging around right at the surface. The littlest things bring tears. Happy tears, sad tears, in between tears. Doesn’t matter.
I’m still not used to this.
I get a case of the feels watching TV commercials. Comedies. Dramas. Documentaries. The news.
This isn’t a bad thing. Really, it’s not. It’s just because I’m not used to it, it still feels, well… a little weird. I guess I thought that because I’ve accepted everything else about this fate that I’d feel less sensitive. At near the 6 month mark, it’s not going away.
What’s been harder, at least for me, is being present enough to check myself when I’m dealing with rude salespeople, telemarketers, or people at work. I have been having a hard time catching my tone before it escapes my mouth. Or my email. Or… okay, Twitter. Angry tweeting feels a little like therapy, and I have had the presence of mind 99% of the time to not behave like a complete asshole. I’ve still managed a couple of epic burns, though, and that’s not really who I want to be. Or more accurately, that’s not how I want to be known.
I had long ago made up my mind to take an extended leave from work to recover from surgery. One of the things I recently started looking forward to in that time away was the ability to worry only about cancer for those 8 or so weeks and not have to worry about feeling non-productive at work on top of it. My hope is that I will be able to have a little bit of emotional reset at the same time. Time to just breathe. I realized just today that I have really been pretty much holding my breath since October. I need to exhale.