July 2, 2018
Cancer claimed yet another holiday off from me this week. First it was Thanksgiving. I wasn’t doing chemo yet, but it was happening the week after. My Thanksgiving was by no means “normal.” Then Christmas. Then my birthday, Easter, Spring Break, and Memorial Day. My niece’s 18th birthday and graduation had to go on without me. My 35th high school reunion is at the end of July. I can’t go to it, either. I just don’t know how I’m going to feel at the end of radiation – that’s when the Radiation Oncologist told me that the fatigue would catch up to me and I’d want to be back on leave.
In reality, it’s claimed my entire summer. Yeah. That’s more like it. Thanks, cancer, you suck.
After being held hostage for 7 months by treatment for this disease, I am finally starting to feel like a semi-normal person again. In general, I’m not needing a nap every afternoon, or needing to be in bed by 9:00 pm. A couple of weeks ago, I found that I could do maybe one of my normal road trips over a weekend without feeling wrecked. Parts of my brain function are just starting to come back. The neuropathy in my feet has subsided enough that I can go for walks again.
I was looking forward to finding a way to get out of the house and the area for a couple of nights – maybe go up to Victoria or on a guided photo trip out to the coast or something. Nope. Can’t do it. Not allowed. Then last week happened and made any thoughts of getting away just about moot. I no longer have any hope of having any sort of life before summer’s out. This really sucks. I don’t have words for this kind of suckage.
The fact that this node is metastatic is in that weird middle place of bad but not so bad that life is over. My gut feeling is that this is the beginning of a series of treatments that will keep the cancer at bay until I just can’t do the side effects anymore. This isn’t the life I ever imagined, nor one I ever wanted. Sigh.