I mentioned earlier that the Radiation Oncologist suggested that I go back to work for a while because the effects of radiation won’t affect me til the end of treatment. So… I went back to work full time about a month ago.
I’ve still had a ton of appointments and am burning through my PTO faster than I’m earning it. I am still trying to work at least 6 hours a day. When I’ve got even half days of appointments, that’s more than I can do. Even on days that I don’t have a ton of other appointments and stuff going on, it’s still hard to get even a 6 hour day in, and that’s depressing. I’m trying to accept this and feel lucky that I am able to work at all. A lot of other people still wouldn’t be able to be back at work yet 2 months post-op much less dealing with the after effects of chemo treatments.
I’ve got a couple of internal projects I’m working on. Everyone is really awesome and understands my need for flexibility. One of the good things about being back at work and in the office a little bit is that it gets me out of my head some. I have things to do that take up my time and are useful to someone. I’d missed feeling useful. Unfortunately, with cisplatin, I’m going to have to be really aware of being around people again for the next 6-8 weeks. Being in the office won’t be a great place for me to be, which will suck, because that’s where I can be on the company network and the stuff I am working on gets done faster when I’m there.
What I’m still struggling with is feeling guilty for not being able to stay focused and get 8+ hours of work done like I used to. I know this will change and it’s all “fine” right now, but I want to get back to having a routine that I can count on. I want others to know they can still count on me, and I just can’t make those commitments at this point. And yes, I know no one goes to their deathbed wishing they’d have been able to work more. Unfortunately, this is the means to an end. I need to be able to pay the rent and my other bills, and have insurance and all that, and make an effort to have something extra at the end so I can travel a little and do other things. That’s hard to do when you can’t work or are on limited hours like for a disability leave. This country’s policies really suck in this regard.
So… I’m doing what I can one step and one day at a time. It’s all I can do.